Hell Yes?

Unlearning Christianity was an effort that took the greater part of 7 years.

I worked diligently to unlearn the doctrine I had grown up with. I was very self-deprecating and had to be mindful about being kind to myself. It looked like me whispering to myself “Hey, you’re doing the best you possibly can. Be happy with that.” I watched a fellow named Dreadful Bird (Andrew Bird) who I would see on TikTok. I enjoyed him very much, as he taught me how to recognize the stress I was holding in. He taught me how to find gratitude all around me. Where I used to demean myself, and have self-doubt – I now found a way to tread water mentally.

As I went further along the fun path of deities and a sense of control, I came to collect certain archetypes as representations of myself that I wished to more engender. One of them was Hecate, the goddess of crossroads, at which I found myself. I think deep in my heart I knew the magic was never going to actually work, at least not in the way I expected. The trick was convincing myself it was real. That I had changed.

I liked Hecate, she was also associated with keys. I remember one day I asked her for a sign, and I ended up finding 3 unique keys throughout my day that I’d never seen before. I thought it was a really neat thing, and possibly an example of the truth I was searching for. But at the end of the day, she didn’t answer real prayers either. Kids were still dying of disease, and witchcraft was just another empty belief system.

All the same, I felt pulled to another deity; Lucifer presented as the Archetype of Intelligence and Enlightenment. I had thrown away Christianity, but the thought of showing any interest in the actual devil still gave me the heebies &the jeebies.

When I discovered another influencer on TikTok who was literally a Satanist, I was intrigued to hear her speak of 7 Fundamental Tenets of the Satanic Temple, a group I remember from just before my apostasy. Read them here As I listened to Kyra Maddix (Morningstar) I found myself aligning more and more with these beliefs.

I began to research Lucifer more, and through eyes no longer shrouded in indoctrination, I began to see something else – something representing everything I had been through. Eventually, my academic pursuits led me to the Netflix show, Lucifer. I was instantly drawn in, and old sympathies began to grow in strength as I related to the struggle of Lucifer Morningstar. The show explored the story of the Fall from the Devil’s point of view, citing that he wasn’t the one to blame for humanity’s bad choices, but simply the one tasked with punishment. It had comedy, it had compelling narratives, and it had me raving for him at the end of Season 5.

My formative sympathy for the devil was born again, and it spurred me into knowing more. To challenging every belief system I had ever admired, and came to realize they were all illusions to be dispelled, just as the faith had been.

I bought an upside down cross, AKA Saint Peter’s Cross, and began to wear it. It hung over the Ichthus tattoo on my sternum, as if to cancel it out. As I watched Kyra’s channel, I began to explore further information on Satanism, and came to understand there’s the Leveyan path, and the non-theistic path. Belief in a supernatural devil on one hand and belief in no gods on the other.

The pull to The Satanic Temple was eventual, and the version of me who had scorned Baphomet in 2018, was willingly watching anything I could on the topic. I read their website, and again found myself appreciating their work so much greater on this side of the fence. I realized the reason why I was pissed about Baphomet was because of what I had been taught through Christianity, it showed me why having a majority speak for the whole without representing the whole is a misdeed. All voices should have representation, and having that voice is what makes us who we are.

I was able to watch “Hell Yes?”, the documentary on The Satanic Temple. I watched with fascination as I learned more about their story, and why what they did and are doing is so important. Over the next several years I began to research Satanism as thoroughly as I had any other religion in my process of disbelief. I knew I valued and held to the 7 Tenets deeper than I did any other creed, because the lessons in them actually make fucking sense and are not focused on how to not piss off an ‘all loving god’. I knew the thrill of everything Satanism embodied set me aflame on the inside, the taboo nature of it all made all the hurt begin to heal. I knew that one phrase that continued to stick with me after watching “Hell Yes?” was paraphrased as “Calling yourself an atheist tells about what you don’t believe in, Satanism speaks to what you do.”

What would I do when I told my partner? Would I, no, could I tell my parents? The fear of judgement was thick, and syrupy. My partner accepted what I believed, though they didn’t understand it as a Christian. I still have not told my parents honestly what I am anymore, but I’m fairly certain my mother knows I would fight god in the parking lot if he ever showed his face.

Over time, my confidence grew in claiming the path that was laid before me. I embraced Satanism, and feel the need to actually be a better person because of it. And so it was, that I started a website to help house my reasons for disbelief. Sympathy for Samael became my comfort, in the event I was ever questioned, I would have my thoughts in one place.

As we approach the one year anniversary of this site being live, I realized there needed to be more. More for me, more for the people dislodged from community in absence of church, more for the place where my children are growing up.

And so it was that in the last 2 months I have founded a Satanic Community in my home state. We are focusing on positive changes in our community, volunteerism, and outreach. The joy this brings me over the last 2 months has been immeasurable. There are more of us than I ever thought in this area, and we are forming a group with honest intentions, and infernal advocation.

Now as I sit here and stare at the Baphomet statue on my desk, if anyone were to ask me if I had fear of god, I know what my response would be.